Nerd Bird Bread aka french bread

I would like to express my thanks to the host of my film” fluffy butt” aka “Oliver” and my dough log boys “oogley and doogley” for their marvelous acting skills in the filming of this bread making thriller.

I will title this film “How to keep your Nerd Bird Bread Loaves happy 😀  

Here are the tools of the trade

If you don’t have a mixer this tool

Oh! what a very lovely yet powerful looking hand this is

oh! look it can also do tricks, how wonderful this hand is

Now, measure about 3 1/2 cups cold water and nuke it (beverage button on microwave). It should be just luke warm. Pour water  into your mixing bowl. This is the time to keep your eyeballs peeled back and on the look out for floaters. If you find a floater you must find the host and eliminate it.

See floater host below

No matter how hard they try to sucker you…they must go

When they realize you are no sucker they get desperate, lunge and try to slap you out. Don’t worry, they’re too short to reach any vitals.

 Back to bread.

If you see a floater start all over with fresh water.

If you are good to go, sprinkle 4 1/2 Teaspoons or 1 Tablespoon 1 Teaspoon and 1/2 Teaspoon of instant yeast  on to the warm water. It should look like this

It’s instant yeast so you don’t have to let it sit, I do just because. After about 5 minutes I whisk it then add 1 Tablespoon of salt and 1 Tablespoon of melted butter or margarine, whisk again.

 Add 7 level cups of all-purpose flour and place on mixer with dough hook. If you are  using your other dough hooks (pretty hands that do tricks) start with a wide spooned wooden spoon, begin mixing  until it becomes impossible with the wooden spoon. Start kneading with your hands untill you begin to cry.

If your dough looks like this after a few moments in the mixer (or 26 hours by hand) it is too dry and you need to add a bit of water

Adding water will look slimy at first but slimy is good.

 Let it mix for about 5 minutes until it looks like this photo below.

Now take it and plop it into a greased bowl like this one.

If you greased it so much that you can see it running down the side of the bowl like the cook here did, just wipe it out with a clean cloth.

Now try that ploppin into the bowl trick again, cover with plastic wrap sit the bowl into a smaller bowl with some hot water. This will provide some warmth while it rises, then wrap a nice warm wet squeezed out towel around the whole thing.

 Leave your wonderful creation in your nice warm little kitchen where you love to spend your time.

or…. dirty little kitchen where you hate to spend your time

until your dough has risen about double its size. When you poke it, the poke mark should stay poked down.

Now toss this bad boy on a non stick surface and slice it in  half.

Be sure the 2 pieces are equal in size, use a scale.

       LIKE THIS?

Yah sure that’ll do. Now spread your dough out a bit with your hands.

Then roll it to this size.

I don’t really know what size this is but it looks good to me. Now roll it up like this.

Using two hands kinda pinch it as you roll it, but not so tight it squeals. This also squeezes out any air bubbles. Can you see the air bubble?  As you roll the dough log it spreads out, to fix this problem just grab each end and fold it back into itself so it doesn’t get to lookin like a snake.

I honestly tried to show you how to fix the ends but I just can’t do it with one hand taking the pictures. Now it doesn’t really matter anyway it will still taste like it should.

Now your dough logs are ready for the pan. Grease a large shiny pan and sprinkle it with cornmeal. Lay both your dough logs on the pan, cover them with a greased sheet of wax paper then leave the kitchen quickly. It’s critical you don’t look back at them now.

PLEASE DO NOT LOOK

 To late you looked and now you can see they’ve caught the play.

 Seeing the dough log boys oogley and doogley like this is never easy but no worries, I have a plan.

This little technique will be soothing to your soul and comforting for the dough boys.

Now you can pop them in your oven (that is preheated to 425) for 23 minutes. Who knows! they just might like it this time. Now when the timer goes off you need to pull the boys out and find yourself a chicken.

Tell her she’s next if she doesn’t put out.

She will, see…works every time.

Now crack this egg that was acquired by threat and keep only the white. Whisk the white with a teaspoon or so of cold water and brush it on the dough log boys then sprinkle them with cornmeal.

Put them back in the oven and ignore their pleas for mercy. Tell them it’s a holiday hot spot that will improve their coloring, they are stupid little dough logs and this will make them happy.

See 😆

 Now after 3 more minutes take them back out and slide them on  a cooling rack.

Awwe  look …they did like it after all…well one did.

This film took so long I will not be able to give you the peanut butter fudge recipe (as hoped) until tomorrow.

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7 thoughts on “Nerd Bird Bread aka french bread”

  1. Ha Ha this is the 1st comedy recipe I have ever seen. Love the faces on the bread. The cat is so cute reaching up to strike you with a threatening paw. Thanks for a good laugh to start my day.

    1. thanks tony, im so glad you liked it.thanks for commenting. ive just finished the peanut butter fudge recipe. im hoping to have it up today. its a lot more challenging to make it fun and interesting. it may end up just a boring recipe but it is awesome, easy and declicious

  2. It’s a beautiful picture of u keep it up I went dancing
    last night is was ok it ‘s not Bahamas paradice ISLAND that for sure bye mom

    1. yes, works for husbands to. Did all the pictures show up? little miss seventies girl. I’m giving you a new name like I did for Breaky Bones and Freida Fink. I Christen thee…umm… OMG 😆 spudmuffin because as a kid you could never get enough mashed spuds and you are still cute as a muffin.

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