13 EASY STEPS TO THE NUTHOUSE

Welcome to my morning ritual!

I endure Dog stuff, Chicken stuff, Horny dogs, Rogue Rouen Ducks and psychotic menopausal dysfunctional moments (cutting my long hair crooked and off at neck length 2 weeks ago in the bathroom at 12pm with small paper scissors) “yup I really did”!

Barb 19, maybe I’ll see you in the nut house one day?

“She said I’m gonna cut my hair”!…AND HE SAID “oh geez”

I WAS SO SO SICK OF IT

I grabbed a little pair of scissors, stomped into the bathroom, pulled two handfuls to the front and wacked away 😆 I am HAPPY AND FREE NOW.

Now back to 13 easy steps that should get you to a nuthouse.

Welcome to my morning ritual

1: 4:30  alarm didn’t work, hubby in hurry, no lunch or coffee. In a mad frazzled dash to get up and get him out I stepped in miniature dog poop and slipped in pee.

2: Wave goodbye, slammed door to seal it. Didn’t see miniature dog squeak outside. If she wasn’t such a small little widget and didn’t hide under blankets all day long I might have noticed her.

WE CALL HER BABY, SHE WAS AN OLD UNWANTED MIN PIN

3: Ran to other end of house, back porch, Loyal State Trooper gallops like cow behind me. Put on coop poop boots. In house coat I scurry out to water and feed ducks and chickens. Coop door frozen shut with ice. Look for ice pick buried in snow, find ice pick but now my fingers are froze, I can’t use it. Grab coop door and reef on it for all I’m worth.  State Trooper stands behind me, trips me as I heave backward. Fall in snow.

LOYAL STATE TROOPER ALWAYS IN MY WAY

He helps me a lot (not) in Persistence of an alley cat brains of knat

Play with me and I won’t eat your crazy chickens

4: Now in coop, can’t think, too cold. Can’t compete with Troop for eggs, watch as he grabs two, chows down. I manage only to grab dirty duck water pail. Ducks now ticked I have their pail, boy ducks try to kill my legs again. Leave pen quick and turn to shut door. Look for Troop, damn it, State Trooper filled up on chicken shit again.

5: Run inside, frozen fingers. Greeted by 3 cats barfing, nice, more crap to clean. Fill duck water pail, start to head back out.

6: Hear strange far-off yelping? Holy Crap! miniature dog outside in front. Put down duck water pail, run to front door oblivious to trail of coop poop footprints I leave on the kitchen and living room floor, only thought, gotta save the hairless mutt.

7: Let miniature hairless mutt in, 3rd mutt runs out, not small not big  not hairless, just medium. He’s ok for a bit. Run to back porch to take off backdoor clothes, I’ve already forgotten about the duck water pail waiting to go out.

SHADOW IS ANOTHER UNWANTED DOG WE TOOK IN…WHEATEN AIREDALE CROSS

Obviously brain not working cause I’m not wearing my backdoor clothes either, I’m still in house coat.  Thinking surely something has to come off otherwise why am I hear instead of making coffee, I look down “oh crap” I wore my chicken poo boots  in the house again! damn it! Take boots off.

8: Hurry to bathroom to get dressed and brush teeth. Get near naked, Damn it! clean clothes in dryer. Run to back porch, half-naked, freezing,  retrieve clothes, step in 3 cats barfing crap, ” oh gawd! “still need to clean this” hop back on 1 foot to wash off crap, get dressed, brush teeth. Finish brushing teeth, nope not finished, broke eye tooth 7 years ago and have pretty piece of metal jewelry for my mouth, can’t find again, shoot!

9: Look all over. Fear develops, possible suspect? State Trooper, will eat anything.  Have to calm down. If my teeth weren’t so damn big the gaping hole in front wouldn’t be so noticeable. Gotta get on with life, tooth might show up, getting old, menopause brain, could be anywhere, even the fridge.

10: I have to start making bread soon.  Try to work on blog. Once again server down, chat with buddy by mail. Feel cold, grab house coat, fingers still cold, find tooth jewelry in pocket.

MY NERD BIRD BREAD

Too make this french bread see my comedy post movie strip in nerd bird bread

bread making directions 071

eddie trooper 00211: Loyal State Trooper close by as always, staring at me this time. I stare back, he gets up and strides up along side of me, what a sweet-heart he is, I pet him, he humps air “oh my gawd” oh well! he’s a boy so he’s a pig. I let him out but not before I turn and step in the chicken-crap he barfed up silently behind my chair. Hop back to bathroom, remembered the duck water, shoot!

TROOPER, QUIT STARRING AT ME

Loyal State Trooper

DON'T DO BREAKFAST copy12: Foot clean, put tooth in, let horny boy out, water ducks, pick eggs before they hatch, leave coop, come in porch, take boots off, open door, come in kitchen, turn, back to porch, put on boots, go back to coop, drag Troop out of coop, come back in house, make coffee.

brown bar cow13:Now feeling like a mad cow I pour coffee, get bread going, sit at computer, light smoke, get comfy. Did I make it? think I made it, hear complaining, didn’t make it, loud complaining, demanding complaining. Cats…I think I’ll try to can them again.

See my post cats in a bean can…it’s a non fiction story that’s good for a laugh.

There you go..13 EASY STEPS TO THE NUTHOUSE

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eddybettyshreddy copyright

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5 thoughts on “13 EASY STEPS TO THE NUTHOUSE”

  1. Ha Ha This is hilarious & so well written. Probably wasn’t too funny for you at the time it was all happening though. I just get up, make sandwiches for work lunch, drink coffee, blog a bit then go to work.

    1. not fun is right. if i could only remember to put the little widget in her kennel each night. shes old and has to piddle all the time.she’s also the biggest snivler ive ever seen and just to shut her up ill give her food late at night. big mistake, thats when the early morning turd arrives. the cats, well i hate cats indoors. i hate the puke the hair and their general home destruction. we dont let ours out so my life sucks currently. this year their getting an outdoor run attached to house laundryroom area. they want out anyway and I can’t wait.

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