Welcome to my morning ritual!
I endure Dog stuff, Chicken stuff, Horny dogs, Rogue Rouen Ducks and psychotic menopausal dysfunctional moments (cutting my long hair crooked and off at neck length 2 weeks ago in the bathroom at 12pm with small paper scissors) “yup I really did”!
Barb 19, maybe I’ll see you in the nut house one day? Continue reading 13 EASY STEPS TO THE NUTHOUSE
Once upon a time, down in dung beetle alley in the middle of New Orléans, there lived a little mouse family. Marvin and his wife Mrs. Marvin. They met each other while sampling low sodium red kidney beans, side by side at the local low income organic bean market.
Marvin was intoxicated by her aroma and captivated by her child-bearing hips. He felt desirous gurglings in the lower half of his body so he proposed to her that night. She said “yes” and he placed a low sodium kidney bean can lid on her head to seal the deal. As man and wife they were now legal to explode into feverish love-making sessions, and they did…often….very often.
Marvin built an exquisite home with red pickle kidney bean vines and a dung beetle ball playground for the children they would have. They had many love-making sessions and produced a bean house full (863) of little Marvin babies.
Mrs. Marvin lost her fine figure after baby 863. She got cranky and hot-flashed daily. Marvin was scared of her and slept in the spare room. He read marriage magazines at night and found an article on menopausal women.
He knew she was only safe to approach and talk to after the nightly foot rub he gave her. He waited until then to read to her. She listened to the medical report then went to the doctor to get her tubes tied. Her mood returned to normal and Marvin was not scared anymore but was very happy because…
Even after 7 long days of marriage and 863 kids, he was still attracted to his fat beach ball wife. They continued their frisky marriage courtship and the children played with the dung beetle balls.
That night in a dream The Lord told Marvin to fashion a bow and arrow. Marvin woke from his dream and thanked the Lord for the great idea.
He took a carpentry course the very next day down at the corner Home Depot store. He made a 15th century cross-bow and an arrow. He was ready for big game hunting now. He asked Mrs. Marvin to pack him a high energy low sodium bean lunch for his hunting trip.
Along with this special request diet she placed a little love note in his lunch box. She also rubbed a little piece of potato peel up and down herself where she sweats the most and added this to the love note.
While Marvin was hunting his blood sugar dropped so he stopped to eat. He read the note and was once again intoxicated by the aroma of his beloved that lingered on the potato peel.
He was quickly rejuvenated by the high energy low sodium lunch but even more, he was inspired greatly by the potato peel scent of his woman. With this simple refreshing he was able to tag snag and drag himself a very big fat piece of fresh meat.
Marvin told Mrs. Marvin that her scent smeared on the potato peel drove him mad with excitement. It had birthed forth within him a new fearlessness he had not felt before.
He told her from now on they dine on low sodium beans and fresh hot stuff, simmering in their kidney bean can soup pot. Thanks to answered prayer and her erotic scent smeared on a potato peel.
The moral of this story is:
A cat in a bean can is not a bad idea.
Question & Answer Time
Q: Will a cat really fit in a bean can?
A: No they won’t, I wish they would.
Q: Do you have a cat?
Q: Did you try to put them in a bean can?
A: Yes I tried.
A: I would like them better if they were canned.
A very tasty quick simple breakfast idea from my Mother In Law…thank you Susan. Continue reading Dutch Baby Breakfast quick simple delicious
I ran away from Santa’s Sleigh, I said I would on New Years Day
I’m tired of pulling that ole fart, he’s too damn fat and not that smart
I’m gonna find another herd, by way of trackin Reindeer turd Continue reading Rudolph’s Nuggets aka caramels
My rough side.
Meet Bud The Stud..Santas New Lead Hand
Bud the Stud looks like crud and hangs out in the john
He’s always ill from homemade swill, but still he mushes on
He cannot spell or write to well, so Santa took him in
He pulls the sleigh on Christmas day, while drinking rum and gin
EVERY TRICK I KNOW
MEET MERRY MOO
I’m Merry Moo I smoke and chew, my milk will make you drunk
I have some broken teeth and I smell just like a skunk
My brain is fried from grass I’ve tried, so I feel really great
But these old tricks aren’t working, I just can’t get a date
There it is, my naughty side.
Don’t let my pretty face fool ya
On weekends I work, then I’m free
I think you’re a prize
Nice hair and nice eyes
So how bout a coffee with me!
You’ll have a good time
My companies fine
I’m honest and I love my Mom
So what do ya think
I’m clean I don’t stink
I know that we’ll have some fun
Designed for all you guys that don’t want rejection face to face, hell who does! just drop this little gem of a card on the desk of whom ever tickles your fancy then run, run far and fast. If she likes ya she’ll track ya down; if she don’t she won’t. The best part is you’ll never even know whether she dissed ya or was just fatally wounded on her way home.
I drew the dragon as a request from my daughter Ashley. She was working with kids at our local complex and needed a dinosaur picture.
She was also my assistant cook at Camp in 2001 at an all girls camp and was also a youth Team Leader. You’ll see her at her finest down below here. Her experience with child care was obviously traumatic, she refuses to produce offspring to this very day.
What should I do with an Angel like you
You’re always there when I’m feeling blue
I thank God for Angels like you
Your perky and funky a cute little nut
You like to appear at the door of my hut
Bouncy & jiggly straight for me you strut
You rock & you roll me up out of my rut
Your magical whimsical trippy & true
Your presence does sparkle then I become new
Then for you I pray my friend yes I do
Since I know that sometimes, you’re hurting to
So what should I do with and Angel like you
I can’t seem shake you you’re sticky like glue
Your not like the others some may say your odd
It’s true friend your different, Sent to me from God
Ashley isn’t the inspiration for my poem but she is a jiggly little nut.
Judging from her picture here, refusing to produce offspring is a good idea.